Jan 12... The Grand Ennui

We'd been to a party the night before- well it was more like earlier that day since we hadn't been to bed yet. On the walk home we talked of our lives. Where we were in them- where we expected to have been right then. You had a a few more drinks than I had but not by much. I had been nervous that night because the party consisted of mostly people you knew and I get quiet at parties. I like going to them but I can get overwhelmed. I’m more of a small gathering kinda guy- two maybe four people. Intimate and conversational. But you knew that.

The party was nowhere near our homes so we found a spot by an Elementary school and talked. And we didn't talk. The drinks we bought from the 7/11 kept our attention.

You said you get worried of being stuck in one place for too long. That there was this part of you that was out there... and you swept your hand across the universe. I laughed and told you that I find that I get complacent. That I can find solace in one single spot. Safety. I told you that I was sure it came from my Mother- she was always telling us to 'worry about our futures.' to 'Be secure'- I like my home and I like having one. Like a home base.

You placed your drink on the bench and turned towards me.

"Don't you ever feel like just up and moving?”

"Sometimes- sorta," I say. I look up at the clouds moving across the moon.

You say, ”I feel it all the time." Then you leaned back on the seat and stretched your legs out in front.

I took that time to look at you- to look you over and really look. I thought about the time you spent away- traveling. Europe. Australia. I thought about all the things I didn't know about you. The things I never asked and never thought to ask.

I thought about all the books and trinkets and things that I had. These belongings that I belonged to. I thought about all the places I wanted to see and the places I dreamed about.

"What do you want to be when you grow up? I asked you.

“Happy." You didn't even think about it.

I pulled my hand out of my pocket and placed it around you and you eased into the crook of my arm. "You will be." I said and we made up names for clouds until we felt it was time to get on home.

The street was deserted that June evening and as you told me what it was like when you had long hair and that sometimes you missed the idea of it- Flitting it around and blowing it out of your face- I hailed a cab for you and made sure you had money.

The hug was warm- like old friends. It was long and you kissed me on the cheek and said you'd call me when you woke up. Perhaps to have a late late breakfast.

Your head resting on the window as the cab pulled away down the road I wondered about all the memories we have. How hard it was to make new friends while still having the old ones. How all those memories you collected together could never be felt by anyone new. 




They all come to us. They must since we all have them. Collected all around the world.

I walked home. A fog was coming in and I felt like I was the star of my own movie. I guess we all are. Pausing under the weeping willow across form the Car Dealership I thought of you.

James C.